I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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