you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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