I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
