stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
