Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
