I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
