forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize