i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
