you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
