Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
