My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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