I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We left an ass print on the piano.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
