Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
