I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
