I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
