have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
