Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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