someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
