Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
don't judge my taste in strippers
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
