I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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