so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
