my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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