I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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