I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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