all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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