i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
