Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
