: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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