I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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