i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
