I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
