I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize