He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
