suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
