ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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