Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
