You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Only a mothe r could love this liver
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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