Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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