I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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