Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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