You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
