I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Please don't give away my fajitas
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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