I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
