Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
