We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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