Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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