I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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