How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
