My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
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