rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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