from now on my penis is your penis
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
