So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
