I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
