Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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