I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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