i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
