Who wears a wallet chain?!
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
