I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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