I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
