Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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