I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize