My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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